Tribute video

I know I said "Home" would be next, but I had to do this one. November 10th is the Anniversary of Chuck Connors' death, and, as a fan, I felt it only right to do a tribute video to the character I love best: Lucas McCain. In his portrayal, he was the father I wish I had: http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=vsH5Zneam-I

Minor edit

Have to make an addition to the menu of upcoming projects:

I completely forgot that I have a half finished Robin video sitting on my hard drive. So it needs to get finished, and then I'll work on the other projects. I'm thinking "Home" will be next. It's been almost a month since I've done a "Rifleman" video.

CURSES!!!

You want to know how much work I did on my videos since I posted last week?

None. Zip. Nada. Zilch.

Stupid me thought I could put off my homework until Saturday, and still get it done in time to settle into a major editing session. Stupid me didn't realize that college homework takes a lot longer than high school homework ever did. I was too worn out on Sunday to do much of anything except lay around.

Grrr.

My focus this week...GET HOMEWORK DONE AS SOON AS ASSIGNMENT IS GIVEN!!! I can't have my Saturdays eaten up with book work on a regular basis.

Stupid me learned a very valuble lesson.

1 Smallville, 4 Rifleman

These are the videos I MUST get done before the new year. Hopefully, I'll have time to do more than this. But these are the 5 that have to get done before anything else:

1. Smallville - Clark and Chloe - I Promise

This is will be my 2nd remake of a video I did when I first started editing. The last remake was 3 years ago. I've picked up a few techniques since then, and I'm going to try them out to make a definitive version of this vid. I've already gotten over a minute completed, and it's coming along quite nicely, if I do say so myself.

2. The Rifleman- Lucas and Mark- Home
Everyone has probably heard the Chris Daughtry song by now. I mentioned this project about 6 weeks ago, and I've GOT to get it done. I've got a lot of sequences and ideas playing in my head. And usually when that starts happening, I know I'm ready to begin the edit.

3. The Rifleman- Micah- Sober
If you haven't heard the Kelly Clarkson song, or aren't familiar with the character of Micah Torrance, then you don't fully grasp how perfect these are going to go together. The song was MADE for Micah, I tell ya. This video will be part of my effort to branch out my subject matter for "Rifleman" videos. As much as i love Lucas and Mark, using the same source material gets monotonous after awhile, and the show is rich with other subjects I can use.

4. The Rifleman- Lucas and Mark- I'll Stand by You
Carrie Underwood did a version of this song that is much tamer than the original done by the Pretenders. While I love both versions, I'm trying to refrain from rock music as much as possible. Country music is much more suited to 50's western than electric guitar solos. (although I've ignored that before, and probably will again in the future. there is a Coldplay song I'm itching to use lol).

5. 'Til the Season Comes 'Round Again- Lucas, Mark, and friends.
This is how I want to close out the year. A Christmas video for my friends. Granted, there aren't any Christmas episodes in ther series (and you'd think they would've done at LEAST one in the entire 168 episodes that were made). But I think I can manipulate the feeling by finding captures that match the lyrics. Maybe no one will notice the lack of trees, ribbons, and gift wrap. lol.

So this is my official menu. Hopefully, time will allow me to sqeeze in a couple of more, but there's no way to be sure, especially once my college classes start gaining momentum.

They're coming...

More videos.

I dunno how soon they're coming. But they ARE coming. lol. Now that Smallville is finished downloading, those vids are definitely back on the menu.

I'm also in the process of downloading several of the Batman movies, Spider-man movies, and Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

I'm branching out...as it were.

Stay tuned!

New Video and an announcement

The Safest Place: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXkcyduy_pg

So I can't help making Rifleman videos. I've made 6 so far, and this is probably my 2nd favorite of the ones I've made. My top favorite being this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3QzofvE5vCw

With The Safest Place, I tried to implement a new techniques...or rather, refrain from my typical techique of using zooms. Zoom is cool, but I use it as way too much of a crutch, and I'm trying to move away from using it unless I REALLY want to emphasize something.

It'll take awhile to break the habit. lol.

But, as soon as my Smallville files finish downloading, I can resume making those again, and I almost never use zooms on live action videos.

As for the announcement:

I'm going to college! ART college. I'll be studying to do what I'm already doing, making videos. The actual major is called Digital Filmmaking and Video Production. There IS going to be more to learn besides video-editing (there's the obligatory two quarters of English, and one of Math, plus script-writing, directing, light science, art history...I could go on and on...) There's 48 classes in 3 years, so there will be PLENTY to learn.

1st quarter starts October 6th. I'm REALLY excited!

Two for one special

That's right. Not one...but TWO new videos.

1. Lucas and Mark 50th anniversary slideshow.

With the 50th anniversary of ther series so close (Sept. 5th) I HAD to make something in honor. Call it sappy if you want to...but I loved making it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCfgPMd8G8A

2. Holy Compilations, Batman!

The first part of my Robin series. It only covers letters A, B, and C, and the commentary slides will have a new format in the next part. But it is what it is, and I still think it turned out well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3oNLB2_5Hk8

Part two should be finished and posted in a few days.

Have a happy and safe holiday!

p.s. I'm sorry that ya'll have to keep copying and pasting the links. But for some reason i'm having trouble with hotlinking.
Livvie

Holy bits and pieces, Batman!

Robin never uttered that "holy," and believe me, I would know.

Finally finished going through all 120 episodes of the series, and the movie.

There are a grand total of 395 holys.

Just for fun, I decided to put them in alphabetical order, for my video.

I've already started constructing the video.

and I'm only on the letter "C."

This is definitely going to take awhile. lol.

Sunday check-in

The good news is I've whittled that list of Batman episodes down from 34 to 7.

The bad news is that the seven remaining are all in season 3, and they're the among the worst episodes in the series.

The trials I must suffer for the sake of making good videos...*sigh* lol.

On a personal note: Life trudges on as normal. I'm still in the process of of trying to find a job. But, my financial burden is somewhat lessened. My step-dad informed me today that if I earn the money for the insurance, he'll provide the car. ^_^

Now I just need the money for insurance.

But, on the upside, I got to get my hair done this past Thursday. It was in serious need of it. My mom sprang for it, on the condition that I chip in for groceries with what was left of my last meager paycheck. But I LOVE how my hair turned out, so I'll say it was worth it.

Until later.

Livvie

Update on upcoming projects

Only 34 episodes left to go before I begin construction on my Robin video. It's really not as much as it sounds.

I should be able to start on it next week. :-)

New "Rifleman" video in the works. I plan to have it done, no later than Monday. It's a present for a friend of mine.

I guess that's it for now.

Cheers!

Livvie

Video projects on my plate

The radio in my brain has been playing "Home" by Chris Daughtry in my head all weekend long. It was first suggested to me by a friend for a "Rifleman" video, a couple of weeks ago.

In light of recent events, I've decided to persue it. The song has taken on new meaning in the last 24 hours.

I also want to make a vid to the same song, with Smallville. I have the premise all planned out, it'll just be a matter of stringing the clips together.

I still have hopes for a "Phantom of the Opera" video, but I'm putting it on the shelf, for now. When I do finally get around to it, I'm thinking I'm either going to use "Apologize" by One Republic, or "Where you Are" by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.

And then, of course, there's my Robin compilation. I've got over 60% of the episodes watched, plus the movie. I just have to finish watching season 2 and 3, and then I can start putting the 'holys' together, and adding my commentary.

No promise...but I might be able to deliver something for your viewing pleasure by the weekend. That will depend on how life OUTSIDE the computer goes.

Wish me luck!

Livvie

Setbacks

I don't expect I'll be getting around to the POTO video as quickly as I thought. I started on it, last week, like I said I was going to, and then, promptly dumped it in the recyle bin before I even finished the first chorus.

I'm going to start over again, today, with a new song, and hopefully see if I can put together something that looks good. I'm thinking I may have to watch the movie again, because it's been a few months. But this time I can watch the film with an editor's eye, and be on the lookout for scenes I may not have thought of, and maybe a few I can manipulate for my purposes.

But, of course, watching "The Phantom of the Opera" is anything but a chore. lol.

But, since I failed to disappoint with a new video, today. I think I'll post a couple of my older ones for you to enjoy, you'll have to copy and paste the links into your browser in order to watch:

World on Fire (song by Sarah McLachlan)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7CQt1UeTi98

Unbreakable Bonds (Song by Michael W. Smith)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pRWZXBSxHpA

Iris (song by the Goo Goo Dolls)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=5E14xOzLads

Until later!
Livvie

The Phantom of the Opera project

Doesn't have a very nice ring to it, does it? But nevermind that.

I plan to start splicing and dicing up the movie tomorrow. If everything goes the way I want, I should have the finished product up for display sometime next week.

It's going to be a Phantom/Christine pairing. I found a song that's perfect for them. At least, it would be if Raoul had never entered in the equation. But, see, that's the nice thing about editing: I can include/exclude any characters I want to make the reality work.

You'd never guess, from the above paragraph, that Christine and Raoul are my preferred pairing...but the Phantom has more source material, so, Phantom it is.

So Much For Variety...

Not even a week after saying I need to make something other than "Rifleman" videos, what do I do? I make ANOTHER "Rifleman" video. But I can explain! Honest!

I just really love the show...lol. That, and the captures are so easy to work with. There are thousands I haven't even gotten around to using yet, and my poor little video-making heart is just DYING to experiment with them.

So yeah...here it is, another Lucas and Mark video. After stressing over not having enough caps for the Lucas/Millie video, at was nice to be back in bountiful territory.

Video description copied from Youtube:

This video is a bit of an anomaly. Not the subject matter, of course. The big thing about this video is that it was completed, from start to finish, in just under six hours...most of my Sunday afternoon and early evening. Not the I;m complaining...the McCains are a joy to work with.

The song choice is a bit odd, as well. I was listening to this song on my mp3 player, and for reasons unbeknownst to me, I was filled with this burning desire to make a Lucas/Mark video to this song. And considering how quickly it all came together...I guess I was just meant to do it.

I hope you enjoy it.

Link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zd6LJELAXjU

You'll have to copy and paste it into your browser...sorry. :-(

Upcoming projects

Sometimes it's easy to start on a new video, sometimes it's not.

Today it's not. lol.

The problem is, I have several different ideas spinning around in my head, and I can't decide which one I want to persue first, nor which would be the easiest.

I've got "The Phantom of the Opera" sitting on my hard drive, and I know there's a few ideas to be had with that. I've already got the songs picked out and everything. But, because it's such a big file, it's a darn nuisance to have to cut up for clips.

New "Smallville" videos are on a temporary hiatus, until I can get some new source material, and my download manager is SLLOOOOWWWW...

I've got three new ideas for "Rifleman" videos. But, my last three videos have all been "Rifleman," and I need some variety.

*sigh* Decisions, decisions...oh how I loathe thee.

Okay...taking a new direction

What can i say? I live a relatively mundane life. If this blog is going to work, I need something that will keep me posting on a regular basis.

So...I thought I'd turn this into a sort of display case for my music videos. I'll start with my most recent creation, and then keep adding as I make more. Since it's been a long summer, thusfar, and I don't have a job, yet...I imagine there will be an onslaught of new videos in the coming months.

So, here's the first video:

The 3rd video in my "Rifleman" series.

While my first two "Rifleman" videos had been about Lucas and Mark, I branched out a little, and made this vid about one of Lucas' short-lived romances...that of him and Miss Millie Scott (played by Joan Taylor). While the couple is not my favorite (I prefer Lucas and Lou Mallory, myself) I have a friend named Margie, who ADORES this pairing. So, since she's the one who provided me with all the "Rifleman" screen captures I could possibly want, I made this for her.

I struggled for awhile, trying to figure out what song I could use. Joan Taylor only played Millie for 16 episodes, and her and Lucas only shared one kiss that entire time. I didn't have enough material for anything overly romantic, but I didn't want to not do the video.

So, last week, I was in my room, listening to a Disney mixed CD I had made, when "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" came on...the actual version from the movie, complete with Timon and Pumbaa singing some of the lyrics. I wasn't even thinking about the video at the time, but, as soon as the song came on, I had images of Mark and Micah (the town Marshal) flashing in my head to the lyrics. I started laughing, and kept on laughing until my ribs hurt. Then, I thought, "Why not?"

The laughter never let up, either. I laughed all through editing this thing, and I still laugh when I watch it. It actually plays as more comedy, than romance. But, Margie loved it, and that's the important thing.

I hope you like it, too.

Livvie

Boy, Oh, Boy!!!

Never let anyone tell you that watching TV won't get you anything. lol. Thanks to watching "The Rifleman" I was able to win a contest concerning knowledge about the episodes. The prize? This original 1959 hardcover novel based on the series. I am one happy fangirl. :-)

Ugh...

Too much junkfood...

I need to sew my mouth shut, or something.

Stars and Stripes

Just when I didn't think it was possible to be any more bored...I outdid myself by giving myself a fourth of July french manicure. Blue tips and red, silver and blue glitter topcoat. Oh, well. lol.

Just to reinforce my point

I found this on one of the message boards I frequent, and I thought it was really neat, and plugged in nicely to my last post.

@

There was an Indian Chief who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go to look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.

The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted.

The second son said no, it was covered with green buds, and full of promise.

The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.

The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of whom they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring,the beauty of your summer, the fulfillment of your fall.

Moral: Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don't judge life by one difficult season.Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time.

Live Simply.
Love Generously.
Care Deeply.
Speak Kindly.
Leave the Rest to God.

Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keep You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going!

Think Positive

I've always found it amazing that doing something as simple as viewing situations in a positive light can do.

Sometimes it isn't easy, but it is worth it. Life is too precious to waste time being a crab apple.

Cool Snap

Who would've thought that it could feel so amazing outside during June?

Last summer it was pushing near 100 degrees everyday. Today, it hit 84 with absolutely NO humidity. It's going to be even cooler tomorrow.

Sunshine everywhere, light cool breezes...it feels like Spring, and it certainly puts me into brighter spirits.

Since I still don't have a job, I'm trying to come up with different things to keep me entertained. Making more videos, like the one I posted on my last entry is one of those things. I should probably do some writing, as well, I've been neglecting it as of late. I can't remember the last time I finished a story that wasn't related to homework.

Father's Day

In honor of the holiday, I plunked myself down in front of the TV and watched a couple of "Rifleman" episodes. I've been taping them almost everyday since we got Encore Westerns. I can't believe how many episodes I've never seen!

I have to say the Father/Son dynamic is the reason I watch. An episode just isn't the same to me if Mark isn't around for Lucas to put his arm around and give a piece of advice to. I guess you could say I'm living vicariously through them, since I don't have a relationship with my own father. Days like today is when it hits me hardest.

It's been six years since I've seen my dad, and I don't expect to see him any time soon. I asked him to come up and visit once, about three years ago. There was an Honors Banquet at school that I was a part of, and I really wanted him to be there. He didn't come though. He was too busy, and it was too far to drive. Of course, if you were to ask him, he'd tell you it was my fault.

I do hear from him two or three times a year. The phonecalls are usually about 5 minutes in length, and 4 of those minutes it seems are just an excuse to ride my case about how I don't call him enough, or about how bad I was for leaving him, and how he's "praying for me."

No, I don't call him. Why should I? So I can hear more garbage? Yes, I did leave him. I didn't have a choice. No twelve year old should have to suffer abuse, ever. If he's praying for me (which I doubt) all I can say is turnabouts fair play. I pray for him, too.

I won't lie and say that it doesn't bother me...after this post it would seem kinda pointless. But I can say that it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I've had to do a lot of growing between twelve and nineteen. It hasn't been easy. But I believe God will turn it for my good.

Here's a link to a video that I made about Lucas and Mark, in honor of the holiday. When I watch it, I just imagine that Lucas is my father, hugging me, and smiling at me, and telling me how proud he is of me. It may not be much, but it helps.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3QzofvE5vCw

Summer Doldrums

I'm so bored! I can only visit the messege boards so many times, download so many files, and watch so much TV before it gets INSANELY tedious.

I NEED a job...but I can't look for one until we've absolutely decided when we're going out of town. I can't get a job now and then have to request days off as soon as I get it. So...stuck in a boring rut...and it's HOT outside too. *grumble...grrr...*

The Rifleman

One of my favorite hobbies is video-editing. I've made at least one dozen videos about the TV series, "Smallville," however, yesterday, I finally finished my very first video about "The Rifleman." I wasn't able to use moving clips, because I can't find those anywhere. However, a friend of mine makes screen captures for the series, and was kind enough to let me use them. After seeing my video, she says I'm free to ask for captures anytime I want. lol. If you'd like to see the video, here's the link : http://youtube.com/watch?v=6a1DwYPqo6E Someone said they'd post it on Johnny Crawford's myspace for me. I hope he sees it...that would make my decade!

Breathe a long sigh of relief...

It's finally over! Graduation is finally over! Part of me thought it would never get here, and the other part of me can't believe it's already come and gone.

Between the 17 graduation speeches, and the 350+ graduates that had to walk the stage, it felt so completely LONG...but it actaully only lasted an hour and a half, much to my amazement. I had like four layers of clothing on, so it was burning HOT in the auditorium. At one point I stole my friend's cap and used it as a fan. I would've used mine, but I didn't want to expose my hat hair any sooner than I had to...Russ was a gentleman about it, anyway. He didn't have a choice. lol.

After the ceremony, my family took me out for gourmet pizza...yummy yum yum yum yum...and then ice cream...YUM! Of course, tomorrow I'll be feeling sick from all the extra junk food, but today I enjoyed it.

Now is the time, I suppose where I should start looking toward the future...and I shall...starting Tuesday. lol. I need tomorrow to let today sink in. It hasn't completely hit me yet. Yet another part of me wishes my dad could've been there, but I think he would have only messed things up. Still...I can hang on to my fantasies for a little longer. One day things will be different. I know it in my spirit.

ARGGGHHH!!!

Graduation is supposed to be such a special time in my life. If this is true...why why WHY do they have to complicate it with so much bureaucracy???

The more paperwork and scheduling they pack in, the more and more antsy I am to get this overwith. Hmmm...maybe that's the point.

Ah...Birthdays

Those lovely little day, once a year, where you get presents for doing nothing but being born. lol. To tell you the truth, though, I don't feel 19. Just yesterday I was only 18. Today was nice though.

Since my birthday and my last day of prison (read: high school.) are one and the same, mom bailed me out early and took me shopping. I got a couple of pretty shirts in summer colors that I can wear when I go down to Texas to visit my brother in a few weeks. I also got a necklace where the pendant is a flower, and each of the petals are a different color. Cubic zirconium may not be real diamonds, but when the sunlight is reflecting off of it, I don't see much difference. lol.

My sister bought me the first X-men, and a Josh Turner CD...which was lovely, because both gifts equal some mighty fine looking men. :-)

For my birthday dinner, mom took me to Taco Bell and let me get anything I wanted. It was mighty yummy. I don't get cake until next week on my sister's birthday...but the promise of cake is good enough for now.

My brother called to wish me a happy birthday. I was so glad to hear from him. He apologized for not getting me anything because he didn't have any money. I told him not to worry about it. I think presents are nice and everything, but hearing someone give a heartfelt "I love you" and "Happy Birthday" is better than anything anyone could ever give me.

I don't know if my dad will call. He's been known to forget my birthday before. But, regardless of whether he does or doesn't...it isn't going to smudge my day.

Yum, Mexican food!

My Spanish class today was SO MUCH FUN!!!

Tomorrow we're having an end of the year party for Spanish 3, however, some of us (and there's only eleven of us to begin with) won't be able to make it. So, to accomodate them, today was party day during class.

My teacher (or, in Spanish, Mi profesor) cooks really amazing Mexican food and brought all the fixings for tacos, and even made a big tupperware container full of chicken quesadillas! Deliciosa!

Then, after the eats, he pulled out his playstation and hooked up Dance, Dance, Revolution for everyone to play. I had never played before, but, for a beginner, I will say that I think I picked up on it pretty quickly. It's kind of like Guitar Hero, but instead of pushing multicolor buttons on a guitar shaped controller, you're stomping the to the beat on a mat that has different directions on it. Of course...then we tried to do it in Spanish, with people hollering out the directions in Spanish, and I got so confused...but oh, well. lol.

Since I'm not one of those who can't make it tomorrow, I get even MORE Mexican food, but we're going to a restaurant instead of having Mr. Dedmon cook again. I have to remember to take my camera tomorrow. I forget it today, when everyone was there, and I'm absolutely KICKING myself because I won't be able to get shots of the whole group, now; only the ones that show up. :(

At any rate, today was a good day.

Countdown

(all of these calculations DO NOT include today)

T-Minus: 4 days until my Mom's Birthday, yearbook signing, and senior breakfast

T-Minus: 6 days until my Spanish 3 dinner date

T-Minus: 10 days until MY birthday and final day of school

T-Minus: 18 days until my sister's birthday

T-Minus: 21 days until graduation

My life seems to be all about waiting...and yet I'm not a patient person. This could be a problem. lol.

It's a beautiful Friday

The sun is shining, the breeze is light, the temperature is mild, and I seem to be in better spirits than my earlier posts would indicate.

Just a few random tidbits...

Today was our high school senior picnic. All I had to do was show up for a few minutes, eat, and then leave. Of course...the chicken served was rather gooey, but I can suffer through some bad chicken if it means I get the rest of the day off. I like days off. After a couple of weeks of the same routine, I get a little disjointed...a vacation, no matter how brief, helps me get my head screwed back on straight.

I've been spending the morning watching the really old 1960's Batman...you know...the one with the BIFFs and the POWs, and the magical escapes from ridiculous death traps. It used to be my favorite show when I was six. It came on at 2 in the afternoon Monday through Friday, and I never missed it (at least, not to my knowledge).

Now, I know I just a couple of weeks shy of being 19, but I still absolutely ADORE the show. Call me a loser if you want to, but some old habits just die hard. Some would say I should be watching something more "mature" and "suitable" for my age. Well, the way I look at it, maturity is simply a matter of perspective. If maturity involves tacky sex jokes, graphic sex scenes, and eleven-squillion f-words: then please, God, by all means, never let me grow up. I like that I can still enjoy clean entertainment. This is part of the reason I enjoy old shows, not just kid's shows either: Batman, The Big Valley, I Dream of Jeannie, The Munsters, Lost in Space...I love them all. I don't believe that sex, drugs, and heathen behavior is at all neccessary to make something fun. I watch "the Rifleman" every night on TV with my mom, and it's the highlight of my day. In these shows people matter, love matters, family matters, GOD matters. I remember scenes of "Lost in Space" and "The Rifleman" where the big strong man figure of the series is shown reading his BIBLE!!! Where is that in today's world? It's missing, and it's sad.

Impatient

I keep telling myself that it's almost the weekend...and that it's almost April 25th (no school)...and that it's ALMOST May 18th (graduation).

Almost isn't soon enough.

So confused

Sometimes I just don't understand why things have to happen the way they do. I mean, sure, I understand that it's all part of God's grand plan, but why does pain have to be a part of it?

I feel so helpless. What am I supposed to do? I pray for guidance, where is it? How do I help those around me? I don't know how to ease their suffering. It's not fair.

Where I Am VS. Where I'm Going

Where I Am

I'm a high school senior that's 25 days shy of turning 19, and 36 days shy of graduating. I have a driver's license, but I can't afford insurance. Therefore, my mom is in charge of getting me to school and back, in addition to anywhere else I need to go. I hate doing that to her, even though there's nothing I can do about it right now. I don't have a job. I had one at the beginning of the year, but it proved too much to handle, on top of school responsibilities. After coming dangerously close to a nervous breakdown back in November, I decided I had to cut something loose, and my education wasn't an option. When I'm not busy with my studies, I'm kind of a homebody. I like hanging out with my mom more than I do my peers, actually. Maybe that's not healthy, I dunno...but I'd rather be with my mom who understands me better than my friends do. Maybe that's not a fair statement to make about my friends, after all, I know they try. It's just frustrating, because, sometimes I feel like I'm growing older and more mature, and my friends aren't growing with me. I feel so lonely sometimes. I wish I had someone my age that I could connect with better, I really do.

Where I'm Going

After I graduate, I want to take some time off before I go back to school. I need to get a job so I can start helping my mom out, along with pay for my own needs, like insurance and things that I don't want her to have to pay for. I'm a big girl, and as much as I know my mom would willingly pay for anything I needed, I know she doesn't have the funds to. I don't want her (or me) to have to worry where money is going to come from every week.

After I've saved a little, I'm going to enroll in cosmetology school. After years of wrestling with what career I want to pursue, this is what I have finally decided on. I've always been fascinated with hair, and make-up and nails ever since my mom used to give me makeovers when I was as young as four. It's something I love, and something I'm good at, so I might as well make money doing it.

After that, I dunno. I would like to get married and have kids. But I'm picky about guys. I don't want a sleaze, I want a guy who will care for me, love me, respect me...all that good stuff. I also want a virgin. I know that's harder to find among guys, but I don't think it's impossible. I'm a virgin in every sense of the word...I've never even been kissed! Why should I give everything up to someone who already give his away to someone that wasn't me? I don't want him to be more knowledgeable about the subject than I am...I want us to learn together. I may be in for a long wait, but I'm willing to do it. I refuse to settle and be miserable. I may not always think the best of myself, but I know I'm better than that.