Countdown

(all of these calculations DO NOT include today)

T-Minus: 4 days until my Mom's Birthday, yearbook signing, and senior breakfast

T-Minus: 6 days until my Spanish 3 dinner date

T-Minus: 10 days until MY birthday and final day of school

T-Minus: 18 days until my sister's birthday

T-Minus: 21 days until graduation

My life seems to be all about waiting...and yet I'm not a patient person. This could be a problem. lol.

It's a beautiful Friday

The sun is shining, the breeze is light, the temperature is mild, and I seem to be in better spirits than my earlier posts would indicate.

Just a few random tidbits...

Today was our high school senior picnic. All I had to do was show up for a few minutes, eat, and then leave. Of course...the chicken served was rather gooey, but I can suffer through some bad chicken if it means I get the rest of the day off. I like days off. After a couple of weeks of the same routine, I get a little disjointed...a vacation, no matter how brief, helps me get my head screwed back on straight.

I've been spending the morning watching the really old 1960's Batman...you know...the one with the BIFFs and the POWs, and the magical escapes from ridiculous death traps. It used to be my favorite show when I was six. It came on at 2 in the afternoon Monday through Friday, and I never missed it (at least, not to my knowledge).

Now, I know I just a couple of weeks shy of being 19, but I still absolutely ADORE the show. Call me a loser if you want to, but some old habits just die hard. Some would say I should be watching something more "mature" and "suitable" for my age. Well, the way I look at it, maturity is simply a matter of perspective. If maturity involves tacky sex jokes, graphic sex scenes, and eleven-squillion f-words: then please, God, by all means, never let me grow up. I like that I can still enjoy clean entertainment. This is part of the reason I enjoy old shows, not just kid's shows either: Batman, The Big Valley, I Dream of Jeannie, The Munsters, Lost in Space...I love them all. I don't believe that sex, drugs, and heathen behavior is at all neccessary to make something fun. I watch "the Rifleman" every night on TV with my mom, and it's the highlight of my day. In these shows people matter, love matters, family matters, GOD matters. I remember scenes of "Lost in Space" and "The Rifleman" where the big strong man figure of the series is shown reading his BIBLE!!! Where is that in today's world? It's missing, and it's sad.

Impatient

I keep telling myself that it's almost the weekend...and that it's almost April 25th (no school)...and that it's ALMOST May 18th (graduation).

Almost isn't soon enough.

So confused

Sometimes I just don't understand why things have to happen the way they do. I mean, sure, I understand that it's all part of God's grand plan, but why does pain have to be a part of it?

I feel so helpless. What am I supposed to do? I pray for guidance, where is it? How do I help those around me? I don't know how to ease their suffering. It's not fair.

Where I Am VS. Where I'm Going

Where I Am

I'm a high school senior that's 25 days shy of turning 19, and 36 days shy of graduating. I have a driver's license, but I can't afford insurance. Therefore, my mom is in charge of getting me to school and back, in addition to anywhere else I need to go. I hate doing that to her, even though there's nothing I can do about it right now. I don't have a job. I had one at the beginning of the year, but it proved too much to handle, on top of school responsibilities. After coming dangerously close to a nervous breakdown back in November, I decided I had to cut something loose, and my education wasn't an option. When I'm not busy with my studies, I'm kind of a homebody. I like hanging out with my mom more than I do my peers, actually. Maybe that's not healthy, I dunno...but I'd rather be with my mom who understands me better than my friends do. Maybe that's not a fair statement to make about my friends, after all, I know they try. It's just frustrating, because, sometimes I feel like I'm growing older and more mature, and my friends aren't growing with me. I feel so lonely sometimes. I wish I had someone my age that I could connect with better, I really do.

Where I'm Going

After I graduate, I want to take some time off before I go back to school. I need to get a job so I can start helping my mom out, along with pay for my own needs, like insurance and things that I don't want her to have to pay for. I'm a big girl, and as much as I know my mom would willingly pay for anything I needed, I know she doesn't have the funds to. I don't want her (or me) to have to worry where money is going to come from every week.

After I've saved a little, I'm going to enroll in cosmetology school. After years of wrestling with what career I want to pursue, this is what I have finally decided on. I've always been fascinated with hair, and make-up and nails ever since my mom used to give me makeovers when I was as young as four. It's something I love, and something I'm good at, so I might as well make money doing it.

After that, I dunno. I would like to get married and have kids. But I'm picky about guys. I don't want a sleaze, I want a guy who will care for me, love me, respect me...all that good stuff. I also want a virgin. I know that's harder to find among guys, but I don't think it's impossible. I'm a virgin in every sense of the word...I've never even been kissed! Why should I give everything up to someone who already give his away to someone that wasn't me? I don't want him to be more knowledgeable about the subject than I am...I want us to learn together. I may be in for a long wait, but I'm willing to do it. I refuse to settle and be miserable. I may not always think the best of myself, but I know I'm better than that.